I wish my brain had an "off" switch

I could be my own circus act. I'd be "THE AMAZING AWAKE LADY!" It's a simple sideshow attraction, really. Spectators would file past my bed at three o'clock in the morning to watch the frustrated pregnant lady staring at the ceiling.

I generally don't have much of a problem falling asleep but a few hours later I wake up. If I can stir slightly and keep my mind clear, I'm sometimes able to go right back to sleep. But if I start to think about anything real, my brain goes into "on" mode and for the life of me I can't turn it off. Sometimes it's the simplest things that get me riled up too. Like, "Do I have enough bread to make lunches in the morning? Should I get up now and pull another loaf out of the freezer?" You know, earth shattering stuff.

But sadly, more often than not, I spend the wee hours of the night rehashing concerns about problems I can do nothing to solve at that time of the day. Like, "What are we going to do about our severe cash flow problem?" Or "How can I make Enrichment truly enriching in our ward?" Or the ever popular "Epidural or natural?" Or the classic "I was such an idiot today! Why did I say that to 'so and so'?"

I once read a sleep book that said if you don't fall back to sleep within the first twenty minutes of waking up during the night that it is better to get up, do something relaxing and try again later, rather than stay in bed and toss and turn. I try to do that but unfortunately, it sometimes takes two or three hours until I'm drowsy enough to want to hit the pillow again, and even then it's no guarantee that I'll fall asleep quickly. It's that horrible combination of exhausted yet alert.

Last night I got up and tried to watch the most boring television I could find in an effort to make myself sleepy, which is not hard to do since I don't have cable. It didn't really work but now I know that I really need to buy a Steam Wizard machine to clean all of that baked-on egg off my stovetop(?!)and all for just two easy payments of $39.95. I also learned that the 70's were the most romantic decade for love songs, just ask the folks over at Time Life.

And the problem is only compounded by the little guy I've got in utero whose favorite game is "Mommy's Bladder is a Trampoline."

I seriously need a nap!

Emotional Timebombs

I developed the term "emotional timebomb" soon after my dad died eleven years ago. At the time I was generally at peace with things and did not struggle with perpetual sorrow, but every so often I'd see something that reminded me of him or experience something that made me miss him and I was suddenly hit with an unexpected, unplanned emotional melt down. Like a ticking bomb that without warning had come to the end of its fuse.

I still have a few dad related timebombs every year. And I've noticed I'm sometimes susceptible to emotional timebombs brought on by other things.

I had one this morning.

As I was driving my children to school I saw the minivan of a family I know that lives in a neighboring ward. The windows of the car were plastered with signs declaring "Welcome Home Daddy!" The father of this family had just returned this past week from a deployment in Afghanistan. I happened to notice that this man was now in the car driving his children to school.

Bomb went off.

My mind was immediately transported back to that day, not too long ago, when my own garage door had a "Welcome Home" sign on it. The fifteen months that had preceded that day were some of the most difficult of my life. And the incredible feeling of relief I felt as my husband walked off that plane after his own deployment in Afghanistan, is an emotion I will never forget.

The funny thing is, I hardly cried at all that day. I think that the intensity and anticipation of that day somehow blocked my ability to really connect to what was going on. It was too surreal. But seeing the reunions of others always elicits a very strong response from me because I understand all of the emotions and hardships that reunion represents.

So by the time I got home from dropping the kids off this morning I was in tears--so much so I could barely explain to my husband why I was being emotional. And even when I got a few words out I realized that those emotions are difficult for me to explain--even to him. It's a mixture of painful memories and stress, inexpressible relief, and intense pride.

I think today's timebomb may have been a tender mercy. When life gets stressful and overwhelming, it's helpful for me to reflect upon times in my own past that have stretched me and tried me but left me stronger.

It helps me remember that this too shall come to pass.

The Queen

Thursday I had my ultrasound and found out I'm having a boy and everything looks good. They even said my due date could be at least a week sooner than I thought (but I won't count on that!)

Over the past several months every time someone has asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl my response was always the same, "I honestly don't have an opinion either way." And I really didn't think that I did until there it was on the screen, an unmistakable boy. I suddenly felt a little weird about not having another girl to make our boy/girl pattern even.

Later that day I went out to run a few errands. Everywhere I turned I seemed to be running into adorable little girls in cute piggie tails and equally adorable pink clothes. I was suddenly sad about all of the lovely baby dresses I have been hording away in my basement for the past half a dozen years or so. What happens to them now?

But more than anything I started to get a little bit of heartache for my only daughter who may never know the joys of having a sister. And I had no idea how to break the news to her. A friend of mine had recently told me of her daughter's dramatic and unpleasant reaction to the news that she was getting her third little brother. I imagined that my own daughter would react in very much the same way. I decided that this information must be received with a treat.

I went to the party store to get some sort of "It's a Boy!" treat from the baby shower section but wasn't happy with what I found. They did have these cute little toy baby bottles that I could fill with something so I got those and then was off to the grocery store for M&Ms. I got home and carefully sorted out all of the blue ones only to find that the novelty baby bottles I had bought were actually too small at the top to push the candy through. I should have just given up then and there but I was determined to have this cute special treat to give my kids when they found out about their baby brother. I went out to two different stores hoping to find something cute and festive and appropriate to hold my blue M&Ms. One frustrating hour later as I stood in front of the real baby bottles at Target contemplating how many M&Ms it would take to fill an 4 oz bottle, I suddenly had a moment of clarity:

What the heck was I doing?!

I was running myself ragged trying to create some special moment that would likely be forgotten the moment the chocolate was gone. And here I was, about to spend good money on baby bottles that I know would never actually be used to feed a baby. I wasn't ready to abandon my plans altogether I just decided to be more practical and bought a package of blue baby socks instead. I know that it's a little strange to give someone a sock full of candy but I felt better knowing that I was buying something that would actually get used some day.

Later, when my husband got home we gathered the kids together and showed them the ultrasound pictures and gave them each a little blue bootie sock filled with blue candy. My oldest knew right away what the blue meant but it took a little explaining for my little guy to understand. And when I turned to my daughter to see her reaction she merely said, "Oh dang it!" Then an instant later her face brightened up and she declared, "I get to be the queen!"

And since that moment she has delighted in the fact that she will always be daddy's princess, she will always be unique and she will never have to share her room.

Maybe it was the M&Ms that softened the blow or maybe I was just making a big deal out of nothing--again!

25 Random Things About Me

A few weeks ago a friend of mine mentioned that she and several of our mutual friends had posted 25 random things about themselves to their Facebook pages. Since I am not currently on Facebook and probably won't be anytime soon, I thought I'd put my list of randomness here.

1. I've never hiked the "Y"
2. I'm a horrible speller
3. Mice creep me out so much that I'm a little uncomfortable around hamsters
4. I have been to 11 foreign countries on four continents
5. I often suffer from stress induced insomnia
6. I have eaten cow brain, intestine and stomach as well as silk worm larvae
7. I'm deathly allergic to honey bees
8. I once got trapped in an elevator in Prague
9. The only guy I've ever made out with is my husband
10. I like to tell people my favorite food is fresh fruit
11. My real favorite food is french fries
12. I have performed on stage at Carnegie Hall
13. I can't stand non-fat dairy products
14. I was once darn near fluent in American Sign Language
15. I got an "F" in Algebra in 10th grade
16. I am named after my grandmother
17. I have never had a speeding ticket(although I often deserve them!)
18. I was briefly the star of a Korean radio show
19. I don't like guacamole
20. I am actually an introvert with a few extroverted tendencies
21. I read the obituaries every day
22. I am part owner in two different business entities
23. My favorite sport is tennis
24. I'm a closet fast food junkie
25. I'm having a baby boy in June

Non-helpful Saving Tips

I can't help but think about money a lot lately. My own personal struggle with making ends meet is compounded by the persistent bad news about the world economy. I really should stop reading the headlines but I honestly hope that I will find a glimmer of optimism amid all the gloom and doom.

That's why I often find myself reading magazine and web articles that feature ways to save money. But I am constantly disappointed by the "tips" I come across.

This morning I read an article on Yahoo about saving "$50 per day without scrimping". It gave such useful ideas as "stop paying fees for bounced checks" and "give up your daily latte at Starbucks." Um, not so helpful for me.

A few months ago a magazine had tips on how to save tons of money at the grocery store. It included such gems as "Stop buying gourmet Greek yogurt and get Yoplait instead" and "don't buy Lunchables for your kids." Well, in my mind even Yoplait is a major splurge and I don't think Lunchables actually qualify as food.

I guess I should be happy that I'm already doing the things that are most effective and "provident" for me and my family. And even happier that I'm not an idiot who regularly pays for ridiculous late fees.

But it's still frustrating.

The Winter of My Discontent

I was born and raised in Utah but I have never learned to like cold weather. I am not a skier. I've only been ice skating a handful of times and only go sledding a few times each year, if at all. I'm just not that into winter. And the older I get the more and more I come to just hate it.

I enjoy the aesthetics of a white Christmas, but by December 26th I want all of the white stuff to go away. And by the middle of February that white stuff (or icky gray stuff it has become) makes me totally crazy.

Last year on the Sunday of President's Day weekend I came home from church and told my husband I just couldn't take it anymore and to spend another day cooped up in the house with my stir crazy children would put me over the edge. We spontaneously decided that we would go in search of warm weather--immediately. We gathered enough clothes for a few days, our tennis rackets and fishing poles, jumped in the van and headed south. We had no plans or reservations and we didn't care.

We made it as far as Hurricane by nightfall and were fortunate enough to get one of the last hotel rooms in town. The next day we discovered that the hotel had a miniature golf course out back so we spent our morning golfing as a family. In the afternoon we went to St. George and took a long walk together on a city trail next to the Virgin river WITHOUT our coats!! We found out the weather in Mesquite was 10 degrees warmer so we headed there and spent the next two days at an awesome hotel that was NOT a casino but had a heated pool. We found tennis courts at a city park and had a picnic in the balmy 70 degree weather and basically just rejuvenated our souls.

It was one of my favorite family vacations of all time. We didn't do or see anything spectacular, it was just three days of carefree togetherness. I long for those days and wish we could repeat it this year. But there is no rest for the weary or the self employed small business owner so I'm stuck here to endure the final weeks of winter.

I was feeling rather hopeful last week when almost all of the snow in my front yard had melted (Three cheers for a house that faces south!) but was a bit disheartened to see a dusting of snow on the lawn again this morning.

Yuck!

My freaky brain

Last time I posted I gave a random list of memories from my birthdays past. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I don't keep a journal--I never really have, well not with any consistency anyway. And none of the events I wrote about in that post are written down anywhere. Plus I remembered at least a dozen more birthday memories that I could have listed but I thought the list was getting too long. I just have this ridiculous ability to remember inconsequential things. Yet things I should be able to remember--like the password for my online banking or the fact that my son has playgroup every Thursday--I have to write down or they are forever lost to me.

Sometimes I think I'd be a good candidate for dementia as an old lady. I may spend most of the time living in the past, but I'll have so many places to go as I walk down memory lane.