I wish my brain had an "off" switch

I could be my own circus act. I'd be "THE AMAZING AWAKE LADY!" It's a simple sideshow attraction, really. Spectators would file past my bed at three o'clock in the morning to watch the frustrated pregnant lady staring at the ceiling.

I generally don't have much of a problem falling asleep but a few hours later I wake up. If I can stir slightly and keep my mind clear, I'm sometimes able to go right back to sleep. But if I start to think about anything real, my brain goes into "on" mode and for the life of me I can't turn it off. Sometimes it's the simplest things that get me riled up too. Like, "Do I have enough bread to make lunches in the morning? Should I get up now and pull another loaf out of the freezer?" You know, earth shattering stuff.

But sadly, more often than not, I spend the wee hours of the night rehashing concerns about problems I can do nothing to solve at that time of the day. Like, "What are we going to do about our severe cash flow problem?" Or "How can I make Enrichment truly enriching in our ward?" Or the ever popular "Epidural or natural?" Or the classic "I was such an idiot today! Why did I say that to 'so and so'?"

I once read a sleep book that said if you don't fall back to sleep within the first twenty minutes of waking up during the night that it is better to get up, do something relaxing and try again later, rather than stay in bed and toss and turn. I try to do that but unfortunately, it sometimes takes two or three hours until I'm drowsy enough to want to hit the pillow again, and even then it's no guarantee that I'll fall asleep quickly. It's that horrible combination of exhausted yet alert.

Last night I got up and tried to watch the most boring television I could find in an effort to make myself sleepy, which is not hard to do since I don't have cable. It didn't really work but now I know that I really need to buy a Steam Wizard machine to clean all of that baked-on egg off my stovetop(?!)and all for just two easy payments of $39.95. I also learned that the 70's were the most romantic decade for love songs, just ask the folks over at Time Life.

And the problem is only compounded by the little guy I've got in utero whose favorite game is "Mommy's Bladder is a Trampoline."

I seriously need a nap!

Emotional Timebombs

I developed the term "emotional timebomb" soon after my dad died eleven years ago. At the time I was generally at peace with things and did not struggle with perpetual sorrow, but every so often I'd see something that reminded me of him or experience something that made me miss him and I was suddenly hit with an unexpected, unplanned emotional melt down. Like a ticking bomb that without warning had come to the end of its fuse.

I still have a few dad related timebombs every year. And I've noticed I'm sometimes susceptible to emotional timebombs brought on by other things.

I had one this morning.

As I was driving my children to school I saw the minivan of a family I know that lives in a neighboring ward. The windows of the car were plastered with signs declaring "Welcome Home Daddy!" The father of this family had just returned this past week from a deployment in Afghanistan. I happened to notice that this man was now in the car driving his children to school.

Bomb went off.

My mind was immediately transported back to that day, not too long ago, when my own garage door had a "Welcome Home" sign on it. The fifteen months that had preceded that day were some of the most difficult of my life. And the incredible feeling of relief I felt as my husband walked off that plane after his own deployment in Afghanistan, is an emotion I will never forget.

The funny thing is, I hardly cried at all that day. I think that the intensity and anticipation of that day somehow blocked my ability to really connect to what was going on. It was too surreal. But seeing the reunions of others always elicits a very strong response from me because I understand all of the emotions and hardships that reunion represents.

So by the time I got home from dropping the kids off this morning I was in tears--so much so I could barely explain to my husband why I was being emotional. And even when I got a few words out I realized that those emotions are difficult for me to explain--even to him. It's a mixture of painful memories and stress, inexpressible relief, and intense pride.

I think today's timebomb may have been a tender mercy. When life gets stressful and overwhelming, it's helpful for me to reflect upon times in my own past that have stretched me and tried me but left me stronger.

It helps me remember that this too shall come to pass.